Is ‘What Should I Do With My Life?’ The Right Question?

Asking Questions

“The mere formulation of a problem,” said Einstein, “is far more often essential than its solution.”  In other words, when a scientist thinks about an issue, it is the kinds of questions that she asks that are most important. This idea is no less true in everyday life than it is in the field of scientific research. The quality of the questions you ask about your life will affect the quality of the answers you get. 

In 2002, the writer Po Bronson published a book called, “What Should I Do With My Life?” that became a national bestseller. The success of that book shows how powerfully that question resonates for people today. We may not always be aware of it, but the need for lives of meaning is a necessity and a sense of direction to our lives, essential.As Bronson writes in his introduction:

“We want to know where we’re headed–not to spoil our own ending by ruining the surprise, but we want to ensure that when the ending comes, it won’t be shallow. We will have done something. We will not have squandered our time here.”

But what if ‘What should I do with my life?’ is the wrong question to be asking? What if it interferes with a satisfying answer rather than facilitates one? What if there are better questions that you could ask that could lead you deeper into the life that is waiting to open itself to you?

Not ‘What Should I Do With My Life?’, but ‘Who Should I Be In My Life?’

The problem with the way the question is posed is that it emphasizes Doing over Being. Activity, of course, is not a bad thing, but too often in our world we act precipitously and blindly without first asking why we should act. Our capacity for busy-ness outstrips our tolerance for reflection and wonder. In other words, we try to act our way into answers before we have formulated the proper questions. 

Parker Palmer, the writer and educator, reminds us that “the deepest vocational question is not ‘What ought I to do with my life?’ It is the more elemental and demanding ‘Who am I? What is my nature?'” 

As a therapist, I have noticed that when people think in terms of ‘What should I do…?’ they tend to try to identify jobs or careers that they might take up. This proves to be paralyzing. Either nothing occurs to them, or the ideas they do get feel arbitrary or mundane.  This is because, unbeknownst to even themselves, what they are really trying to identify is a calling, not a job. And you can’t think backward from a job to a calling as easily as you can think progressively from your calling to a job.

Jobs are about doing. Each job is but one possible representative of your calling out of many potential representatives. Callings are about being. They are the conditions that bring together your being and your doing in one harmonious whole. Or, put another way, knowing who you are makes it easier to act. 

I remember one client who struggled to identify a satisfying career path for himself. Things began to change as he started to explore his sexuality in our sessions together. It was as if a light went on for him. “When I think of work first, I can’t see anything that would make me happy. But when I think of myself as a gay man, I can see myself doing all sorts of things!” His acceptance of his being freed him up to act. Being naturally flows into doing.

Asking A New Question

I started this post with a quote from Einstein about the formulation of a problem being more important than the solution. The next part of that quote goes like this: “To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle requires creative imagination…” In this final section, I’d like to suggest three different questions that you might ask yourself to begin clarify your own life direction.

1. Who am I?

This is Parker Palmer‘s question, mentioned above, for approaching one’s deepest vocation. In an excerpt from his book, Let Your Life Speak, Palmer suggests that our vocation is a part of what he calls our “birthright gifts.” In other words, it is something that is part of us from the very beginning of our lives. The implication of this is that the goal of life is not to “fix” oneself, but to become more oneself. Palmer illustrates this idea with a beautiful little Hasidic tale:

Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, “In the coming world, they will not ask me: ‘Why were you not Moses?’ They will ask me: ‘Why were you not Zusya?’”

I guess a variation on this first question could be: “Why am I not myself?” 

2. Who or what do I love?

Joseph Campbell’s famous phrase, ‘Follow Your Bliss’ is rooted in this question. Your ‘bliss’ is simply what you love. And when you love something you are more than willing to struggle with it and for it. However, I want to be clear that I said love and not like. These days we tend to confuse the two. Love is not a strong liking. It is a willingness to give oneself completely to something — your life, your relationship, your work. Katharine Hepburn gives this beautiful definition of love, which I think sums it all up:

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only with what you are expecting to give — which is everything.”

3. What does life at this moment demand of me?

This question comes from Victor Frankl, who felt that if we meet the demands of the moment then “Happiness ensues.” Whereas ‘What should I do…?’ puts the emphasis on our ability to act, this way of framing the situation asks us to respond. We stop imposing our will on the world and enter into a relationship with it–receiving it and listening to it.One variation on this idea comes from the Jungian analyst D. Stephenson Bond who wrote:

“The mystery of the psyche is that we are haunted not by what we want out of life, but by what life wants out of us.” 

There are many other questions that could be asked and I hope you will use these three as inspiration to come up with your own questions to ask as you explore your own life’s direction and work.So, what about it? What questions do you ask yourself for a deeper engagement with your life? Be sure to leave a comment below and let me know. 

 Take good care.